When Nature Gets a Little Too Close for Comfort

Chief of Security, Suspect AND Victim!

CHARLAY VISITED BY THIEVES!

November 27th, 2024

The quiet community of Charlay is reeling after a two-night snack raid at the home of Ms. Sally Brown (shoe size 40), Mr. Dan Ashley (shoe size 44), and their Security Chief, Ms. Elsa Dog (four paws, currently under review). On November 25th and 26th, thieves made off with two boxes of biscuits and an entire packet of beef chews, leaving behind a trail of confusion, accusations, and one very miffed dog.

Initially, tensions ran high in the household as Mr. Ashley pointed an accusatory finger at Ms. Brown, suggesting she might be sneaking Elsa extra treats in a covert act of canine collusion. Elsa, meanwhile, found herself under suspicion for potentially orchestrating the operation herself.

However, Ms. Brown and Ms. Dog firmly denied any wrongdoing, and the case against them quickly crumbled when investigators concluded that even the most voracious of dogs couldn’t have polished off the entire haul so quickly.

The real breakthrough came after a faint smell of beef chews led detectives to a 10cm air vent behind the freezer. Further examination revealed this was the thieves’ entry point. In a stunning twist, the missing goodies were found stashed inside the air vent itself—a clear sign the culprits were planning a return trip to claim their ill-gotten gains.

The prime suspects? Squirrels.

“We’ve heard them on the roof,” Mr. Ashley revealed. “It makes perfect sense. These little nut-hoarders have gone rogue. We’re dealing with organized squirrel crime.”

To atone for his earlier accusations, Mr. Ashley personally installed sturdy metal covers on both the internal and external air vents. The return of her snacks brought immense relief to

Ms. Dog, who has since resumed her duties as Head of Security—albeit under probation.

Her less-than-stellar record on the job (opting to snooze on the sofa during the heists) has prompted some scepticism about her commitment to security.

“I’m deeply sorry my chewies were taken,”

Elsa stated in a press conference held on her favourite blanket. “I am mostly a good girl, and I promise to bark at everything from now on.”

Early evidence suggests she is making good on this promise, with reports of enthusiastic barking at squirrels, rustling leaves, and the occasional delivery truck.

Nearly the entire stash found in the air ventilation

Ms. Brown, who has been fully exonerated, added, “We’re just glad it wasn’t an inside job. And honestly, I’d rather deal with squirrels than Dan’s accusations.”

The Charlay community is advised to keep their snacks secure and their air vents squirrel-proof. As for Ms. Dog, her probationary period has begun, and her night time vigilance has already become the stuff of legend.

Squirrels: 0. Elsa 1.